Tuesday, December 09, 2008

But I'm just an old man now...covered with scars...

Well, the tracker thingiee on the right side of my page says people are still coming here, so I best get off my buttocks and write something, huh?

To be honest, I don't really feel like saying much. I am in such a funk and have had a generally bad disposition as of late. I really don't have a legitimate reason to feel like this, but it is what it is. I think my distress is caused by several things. The first being that I'm a whiny-ass. I actually enjoy basking in own self pity. That's a common trait of alcoholics/addicts. It's kind of our own little tarnished badge of honor. Let me break it down for you:

1. I'm out of shape and pounding on the weight. I wont get off my butt and go to the gym because I'd rather come home after work and surf the net till I hit my slumber time. I do this every single week day.

2. I want to join a local chapter of the Boozefighters MC. I've always wanted to become a member of a motorcycle club. The 3 piece patch kind, not the local HOG chapter or a christian type thing...I want to earn my patch. I don't want to join the hard core 1% clubs because I ain't signing the title to my bike over to nobody but I hate the local "buy your patch" clubs. The Boozefighters are well respected by the outlaw clubs because they have the same prospecting principles that the hardcore clubs have...they just don't have the amount of criminals that the 1%-ers have. They also have a decent reputation with the local authorities. My problem is that I don't know if I have the discipline to make it through the prospecting period. At times I still have the fire that I had years ago...other times I feel too old to be an active patch holding biker.

3. My job is making me soft. This seems to be a bur under my saddle because I'm afraid of getting old. I get daily praise from the students, and the military management, but in my mind, the more praise I receive, the softer I get.

4. I want to hit the road on my bike and go on another retirement run. I logged 3,000 miles two summers ago in a couple of weeks with my brother who rode his bike. We hit several states and just rode all day and stopped at night. We saw St. Louis, Memphis, and made it down home to the MS gulf coast where we stayed with our parents and just rode and rode and rode. It was one of the best times of my life. Just flying down the highway doing 80, side by side with my brother. I miss that and hate that winter is keeping me down...

OK...enough bitching. This will pass. Watch the video and listen to the words. Dave ain't pretty to look at but man can he tell a story.



Anonymous said...

Scars denote character, Paul. Whether seen or not, their effects temper a man and, if not given total control, turn that man into a teacher, mentor and wise ally. At least that is my excuse.

Hmmm ... Boozefighters go back a long long way. Older than the Hell's Angels, they have done far more good than bad in the years since WWII. Wow, to be a member of that group would carry alot of esteem with ANYONE who knows half-a-crock about MC. They have such a cool legacy! I've often wondered what it would be like to prospect with a group like that. When I rode bikes, I stuck with the military-friendly groups ... but there are plenty of stories! hehe. Peace dude!!

Angie ^i^ said...

I'll be writing a blog in the next day or two about tiny victories. Seems we only gain pleasure from HUGE things, which of course makes us dwell on the negative. If we took baby steps and appreciated the tiny victories, we'd realize that they really do amount to a lot! It may just change our mindset.

For what it's worth Paul, I've been way down in the dumps too.. and I seem to be going further with each passing day.. thus the reason why I NEED to do a motivational blog! It may just help me, but if it helps you too, then that's yet another tiny victory!

*big hugs*

Anonymous said...

I just read Solie's comment, I remember one group he was a member of.. ooooo the stories! lol

As you know, I've been down in the dumps too. Although I have no problem with getting older. I did for a while have a problem with depending on others, I developed a very strong independence and with medical issues that faded. It was hard to get past that one.

I find that I don't get as much done as I use to and it frustrates me a great deal but I'm learning to just accept today and not worry about tomorrow.

I've had a lot of scars too, inside and out, slowly fading away over time. Every once in a while something set off a trigger and the old wound it opened but with time that trigger is less and less.

I hope and pray we all find our peace.

Anonymous said...

I forgot to mention, Paul .... in the original Boozefighter days, their motto used to be that they were a "drinking club with a motorcycle problem". Thought you might wanna know! lol

*** OM1C

That dude Paul said...

Solie, Angie and Martha,

Thank you guys for stopping by. Solie, I've been "hanging around" with the local chapter and they suggested I buy and read the history of the BFMC. I saw the statement in the book about beng a drinking club with a Motorcycle problem. Thats the reason for my hesitation. I've been sober for 6 yrs and dont have a problem dealing with situations, but the old saying goes that, "If you hang around a barbershop long enough...you're gonna get a haircut".

Angie, Thank you for your kind words. I hope we all pull through this "valley" that we're in and get back up on the "peaks" of life.

Martha, You hit the nail on the head for me. "Just accept today".

I thank you all. It's so nice to have this venue to escape to when my world gets crazy and just empty my mind. Then to hear calm, rash feedback from people is such a great experience.